i do believe in fairies...sorta

Warning: The following contains information that may well disappoint, if not completely crush Tooth Fairy Believers. Proceed with caution.

I was looking through pictures the other day and came across a pic of one of my older girls, grinning toothlessly at the camera. Actually, she wasn't completely toothless, just the-two-front-teethless. It was taken in the later days of Tooth Fairydom, back when we sort-of still remembered to take the teeth and leave some cash behind.

Who started this whole Tooth Fairy hubbub anyway? Probably some conniving kid, trying to find a way to make some quick cash for having normally developing bicuspids. Maybe it was his dad who secretly wanted to give his kid all his loose change; but alas, his strict upbringing of "you can't get something for nothing" wouldn't allow him to just give it away. So he was thrilled when his little boy lost his first tooth, and dad made up the tooth fairy right there. Well thanks a lot.

My oldest child lost her first tooth right before she went into kindergarten. She was adorably believing as she tucked her tooth in that night, anticipating untold riches under her pillow in the morning. About 30 minutes after she fell asleep, we crept back in, stole her tooth, and stuffed five bucks under her pillow. There. I said it. The truth's out: I am the Tooth Fairy. Well, okay, Dave and I are.

At least at my house.

Tooth number two was as slick as the first had been; got in, got out, one of us ended up a little richer, the other a little poorer, mission accomplished. But the night she lost her third tooth, we forgot Tooth Fairy duty.

She woke up the next morning completely disappointed; I would have been, too, I mean who doesn't like free money? I cleverly covered our blunder by explaining that the Tooth Fairy has a lot of teeth to pick up every night, and she was probably just overbooked. No doubt if we left it under the pillow, she'd be back.

I know, smooth.

I decided a little repentance was in order that night. I wrote a little note to her in sparkly golden ink -- not gold, golden. Tooth Fairies don't write in gold ink. I told her that I got stuck in Boston or something like that, told her she had the best teeth of any kid, ever, and signed it The Tooth Fairy. Then I took a bit of glitter and folded it inside the note -- what's more magical than glitter, after all? And for good measure (or guilt), I gave her a couple extra bucks. There. All better.

Too bad she didn't quit at the third tooth. From then on, every tooth was forgotten, either by a day or two, or once, as long as a week. Late pick-ups no longer included a handwritten, golden-inked, glitter-smattered note. They became unceremonious wads of dollar bills stuffed under the pillow, minutes before she woke up for breakfast. I think I even forgot to take the tooth one night, although Kam was denied trying to get another night's cash out of it. One tooth, one deposit.

By the time Mak lost her first tooth, I was all funned out; and I still had 3 kids to go, not including wrapping up all of Mak's and the rest of Kam's teeth. So the Tooth Fairy made one final pick-up the night Mak's first tooth came out.

When her second tooth fell out a few days later, we sat her down and made a deal. "Mak," I said. "The Tooth Fairy wants to make a bargain." Figuring we'd deposited at least 20 bucks into Kam's hot little hands over the past few years, I said, "The Tooth Fairy" (let's call her "Mom") "wants to give you 20 bucks for this tooth, and call it good for the rest of your teeth." "Twenty bucks now, and nothing for the rest of my teeth?" she asked. "That's the deal," I said. It took her about half a second. 20 bucks to a 3rd grader is the equivalent of a thousand bucks to an adult. "Deal," she said.

And from that day forward, the Tooth Fairy has never been seen or heard from again at our house. When the 3 youngest lost their first teeth, the same deal was made. Twenty bucks for the first tooth, you don't even have to leave it under your pillow, and we're done.

I'm thinking they should have held out for a little more. I just Googled the going rate of teeth these days; most kids are raking in 5 bucks a pop. 100 bucks, just for growing up; my kids should have at least gone for $50.

What can I say? That Tooth Fairy drives a hard bargain.